Let’s talk about women’s sexual desire. Or libido. Or sex drive (what’s your word for this? Let me know in the comments).
It’s such a layered, emotional, and often misunderstood topic. People are quick to throw around the idea that there’s a “fix” for it, but desire? It’s much more nuanced than that. Let’s dive in ✨
Spontaneous vs. Responsive Desire
Most of us don’t experience that sudden, spontaneous desire we’ve been told is the norm. You know, like men do.
Or when we were teenagers. Or when we just fell in love with that perfect partner…
It just doesn’t hit us out of nowhere. Instead, most women feel what’s called responsive desire. That means we need a bit of context, connection, or stimulation first for desire to bloom🌷
Desire often follows emotional or physical closeness, not the other way around. We need the right context—emotional safety, relaxation, connection—to feel open to sex.
And here’s where things can get tricky. Context is everything.
The Role of Context
Picture this:
You’re on the couch, reading a book, feeling relaxed. Your partner comes up, gives you a soft touch or kiss on the neck, and you think, Oh, that feels nice. Your mind is clear, your heart is open.
Desire starts to stir 🥰️
But then, there’s that day. You’ve just gotten home from work, the kids are screaming, there’s laundry everywhere, and your partner tries the same move. Instead of desire, all you feel is… overwhelmed.
You think, Are you serious, right now? 🤯
- External environment: Is it peaceful or stressful?
- Internal environment: Are you relaxed, or is your mind racing with to-do lists?
See the difference? It’s not you. It’s the noise around you.
Brakes vs. Accelerators
Now, let’s talk about brakes and accelerators—the things that affect desire 🚗
Brakes are the things that turn you off:
- Stress 🧠
- Fatigue😴
- Negative body image🤔
- Relationship tension💔
Accelerators are what turns you on:
- Emotional closeness & deep conversations💞
- Feeling safe✨
- Physical touch that makes you feel seen💖
And here’s the kicker: many of us women are more sensitive to our brakes than our accelerators.
- It’s like trying to drive with the parking brake on!
- No wonder we feel stuck sometimes.
Hormones & Desire
Oh, and let’s not forget about hormones. Around perimenopause and menopause, our hormones—like estrogen and testosterone—start doing a crazy dance.💃
Our libido can drop, mood swings happen, and physical changes like vaginal dryness can make sex, well, less appealing😉
But here’s the thing:
- Hormones matter, but they aren’t the whole story.
- Desire is about connection with your body and partner, not just hormone levels.
Sometimes a little help from vaginal estrogen or testosterone can make a world of difference, especially if pain or discomfort is stopping you.
But it’s only part of the picture.
Oh, and by the way—I swear by coconut oil. Have you tried it?
Connection Happens Anywhere
Here’s a big realisation I’ve had: connection can happen anywhere.
You don’t need the perfect romantic setting to feel desire or closeness. In fact, sometimes, the tougher the circumstances, the stronger the connection becomes.
It’s not about the setting—it’s about how we connect with our partners. ❤️️
Waiting for the perfect moment or location? Nah. Create intimacy wherever you are. It’s possible.
And the other piece—connection to our own sexual energy is crucial. It comes first. You might think it’s all about your partner and circumstances.
The truth? It’s how connected you are to the ecstatic sexual energy in your body.
And then, knowing how to invite your partner into a delicious deep lovemaking.
So, What Can You Do?
If you’re feeling low in desire, start small. Little shifts make a big difference🌿
- Mindfulness: Helps you tune into the moment and turn down the brain noise.
- Playfulness: Are you taking it all too seriously? How can you add more play and laughter?
- Self-care: Give yourself permission to rest. Seriously. You deserve it.
- Sensual touch: Rediscover the joy of touch without pressure to “perform.” It’s beautiful and playful💕
- Communicate: I know it’s awkward, but talk to your partner about what you need. Tell them about your accelerators and brakes. Let them in.
- Dance: This is true. Dancing opens us up to love and joy. It connects us to our bodies. It brings pleasure. It’s the best exercise. It’s magic.
And hey, don’t forget: this isn’t about fixing you because you are not broken.
You’re perfectly normal, and there’s nothing wrong with needing a little time, space, and context to get that fire burning again🔥
A Little Humour & Love
Because sometimes, you just have to laugh at it all, right? Like when your partner thinks a shoulder rub will instantly lead to fireworks and you’re still thinking about that email you forgot to send 😉
It’s okay to say, “Not right now, honey.”
It doesn’t mean you don’t love them. It just means your mind is on pause, and that’s perfectly okay. Tenderness, humour, and patience can carry you through.
Remember:
- 💖You’re not alone.
- 💖You’re not broken.
- 💖You’re just beautifully complex, like all of us.
So let’s keep talking about it, exploring, and figuring out what turns that gorgeous inner light back on✨
What’s your context today?
Want more support?
Join my free Reclaim Your Sexual Confidence mini-course to learn 5 practices to heal your relationship with your body and your sexuality and learn how to turn yourself on.
