If you and your partner keep having the same argument, the problem usually isn’t the two of you. It’s the pattern you’re caught in, and emotionally focused therapy is built to change that pattern.
This is for you if you love your partner and still feel lonely next to them. Maybe you’ve tried talking, and every talk ends the same way.
Does this sound familiar?
What is emotionally focused therapy?
Emotionally focused therapy (EFT) is a kind of couples therapy developed by Dr Sue Johnson. It’s based on attachment, which is our need to feel safe and close with the person we love.
It’s one of the most researched approaches to couples therapy. You can read the studies on the EFT research page.
I’ve trained in it and used it with couples for many years, because I see what it does.
The pattern underneath your arguments
Most couples argue about the dishes, money, the kids or sex. In EFT we look at what happens between you while you argue.
Usually one of you reaches. You ask, you raise it again, you push, because you want to feel close. The other one pulls back, goes silent or leaves the room, because they don’t want to make things worse.
The more one reaches, the more the other pulls back. You both end up feeling alone.
Neither of you is the bad guy. You’re both trying to protect the relationship in the only way you know.
If this is your home right now, you might also like how to reconnect when you feel like roommates.
What happens in emotionally focused therapy
First, we slow everything down. You both learn to see the pattern while it’s happening, and to name it together.
Then you learn to say what’s underneath. Under the criticism there’s usually “I miss you”. Under the silence there’s usually “I’m scared I’ll get it wrong”.
When you can say these softer things, and your partner can hear them, something changes between you. You start turning towards each other.
You also learn to ask for what you need in a way your partner can respond to. I’ve written more about that in how to ask for affection without feeling needy.
It helps with sex too
The same pattern shows up in the bedroom. One of you reaches for sex, the other feels pressure and pulls away.
So I combine emotionally focused therapy with sex therapy. When you feel safe and close again, desire has room to come back.
What you can try at home first
Next time an argument starts, try saying, “I think we’re doing our pattern again.” Then take a breath together.
You can also try these relationship repair exercises on a calm day.
And if you keep ending up in the same place, please don’t wait for years. Most couples wait far too long before they get help.
What the research says about emotionally focused therapy
Emotionally focused therapy has been studied for more than 30 years.
Most couples get better. In 2022 researchers put together the results of 20 studies with 332 couples. About 70% of couples were free of their relationship distress by the end of therapy. You can read the 2022 analysis here.
The changes last. The same analysis found that couples kept the changes they made, with good results up to two years later.
It changes how your body responds. In a brain-scan study of 23 couples, women were scanned while they expected a small electric shock. Before therapy, holding their partner’s hand made little difference. After emotionally focused therapy, holding their partner’s hand calmed the brain’s response to the threat.
Isn’t that amazing? When you feel safe with your partner, your body knows it.
There’s also research on what emotionally focused therapy helps with. Here are five studies.
- Depression. In a study of 18 couples where the woman was depressed, half did emotionally focused therapy and half took medication. Both groups got better, and the women who did the therapy also felt happier in their marriage.
- Childhood trauma. In a trial with 24 couples where the woman had been abused as a child, the couples who did the therapy were much less distressed in their relationship than the couples who were still waiting for it.
- Serious illness. In a trial with 42 couples where one partner had advanced cancer, eight sessions made a big difference to how close and supported they felt, and it was still there three months later.
- Broken trust. A study of 24 couples looked at hurts like an affair, or not being there when your partner needed you most. The couples who worked through the hurt in therapy were able to forgive, and they trusted each other more.
- Your sex life. A study that followed couples for two years after therapy found that as they felt more secure with each other, they were more satisfied with their sex life.
Why talking it through hasn’t worked
You’ve probably tried to sort it out by talking. You explain your side, your partner explains theirs, and you both end up more upset than when you started.
That happens because when we feel hurt or criticised, our body goes into protection. We attack, we defend or we shut down.
In that state nobody can listen. So more talking, or better arguments, doesn’t help.
What helps is feeling safe with each other again. That’s what emotionally focused therapy works on first.
How long does it take?
Every couple is different, so I can’t give you a number.
What I can tell you is that most couples feel some relief early, when they see the pattern for the first time. It’s a big moment when you realise your partner isn’t your enemy.
Changing the pattern takes longer, because you’re learning a new way to be with each other. Many couples come weekly or fortnightly for a few months.
Is it right for the two of you?
Emotionally focused therapy suits you if:
- you love each other and you’ve stopped feeling close
- you keep having the same fight
- one of you talks and the other goes silent
- there’s been a hurt that never healed
- sex has become rare or tense
It needs both of you to be willing to turn up. You don’t both have to feel hopeful at the start.
Have you been the one carrying the relationship on your own? You can start by coming alone, and often your partner follows when they see you change.
Working with me
I offer emotionally focused therapy for couples online, and in person in Ponsonby, Auckland. We start with a free discovery session on Zoom, where we talk about what’s happening and what would help you most.
If your partner isn’t ready, you can book the session on your own and we’ll start with you.
Read about couples therapy with me and book your free discovery session here.
