If you have low libido, no energy, and a wellness routine you secretly dread, the problem may not be your discipline. It may be that nothing in your life feels good any more.
Most women over 40 have turned health into a second job. Counting, tracking, restricting, forcing. And still feeling flat, tired and far away from their own bodies. In this episode of the Sexual Empowerment for Women podcast I sit down with Dr Erica Oberg, naturopathic doctor, concierge physician and author of Healthy Hedonism: Why Feeling Good Is Good for You, who argues that pleasure is not the reward you earn for being healthy. It is one of the biological signals that makes you healthier.
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Why Restriction Based Wellness Keeps Failing Women Over 40
Erica’s argument is simple. A habit that feels like punishment will not last, because your nervous system is working against you the whole time. If you hate your workout, you are raising your stress hormones while you do it. If your meals feel like deprivation, your body is not in the state where it repairs well.
This is the same pattern I see in women’s sexual lives. We push, we perform, we tick the box, and we wonder why desire disappears. If you recognise that exhaustion, you may also find hormones, menopause and sexuality useful alongside this episode.
What Is Healthy Hedonism?
Healthy hedonism is not excess. It is intentional pleasure, chosen because it restores you rather than depletes you. Erica’s framing is that joy, connection, rest, beauty and meaning are not luxuries you get to once the real work is done. They are part of how the body regulates and recovers.
5 Ways Pleasure Makes You Healthier
1. Nourishing food
How you eat changes your metabolism more than what you eat. Slowing down, saying grace, using herbs and spices you love, eating something that actually tastes good. Erica’s research and others’ point to eating behaviour mattering more than the calories or the carbs.
2. Movement you love
If you are counting the minutes in a yoga class, yoga is not for you. Find movement you would choose. That is the one you will do every day, and the one that lowers rather than raises your stress load.
3. Connection
Call the friend. Hold a hand. Talk to the woman at the checkout. Small moments of connection release dopamine and oxytocin and slowly build different neurochemistry. If distance has crept into your relationship, rebuilding attraction starts in exactly these small places.
4. Intimacy and orgasm
This is the part worth the listen on its own. When a woman can give herself over to satisfying intimacy and a meaningful orgasm, it switches off the brain’s default mode network, the self referential chatter that will not stop. As Erica puts it, in the middle of an orgasm you cannot be thinking about the dishes, and that is very good for your brain. If sex has become uncomfortable rather than pleasurable, start with why sex hurts and the ways forward.
5. Laughter
The easiest doorway of the five. Laughter is a direct route to both dopamine and oxytocin. A funny film, your pets, laughing at yourself. The lowest bar, and it works.
How to Start This Week
- Pick the one of the five that costs you least, and do it today
- Drop one health habit you actively dread, and notice what changes
- Add one moment of real connection to a day you already have
Frequently Asked Questions
Is pleasure really good for your health, or is that an excuse?
Chosen intentionally, pleasure supports nervous system regulation, connection and resilience. The distinction Erica draws is between pleasure that restores you and indulgence that depletes you.
Are orgasms good for your brain?
Yes. Orgasm releases oxytocin and quiets the default mode network, the part of the brain responsible for distracted, self referential thinking. That quieting is one of the more powerful things you can do for your brain.
Why do I keep quitting my health routine?
Usually because it feels joyless. A habit you dread raises your stress hormones and burns willpower you do not have. Habits built on something you enjoy survive.
Does this work during menopause?
It matters more then, not less. Sleep, mood and libido are all sensitive to your stress load, and a restriction heavy routine adds to it.
About Dr Erica Oberg
Dr Erica Oberg, ND, MPH, is a naturopathic doctor, concierge medicine physician and author based in La Jolla, California. Through her practice, Concierge Natural Medicine, she helps patients move beyond restriction based health habits toward a more vibrant approach to longevity. She is also Chief Medical Officer for Marqi Medical. Find her at drericaoberg.com and on LinkedIn.
Erica is offering listeners a complimentary audiobook of Healthy Hedonism: claim it here.
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With a big warm hug,
Tarisha
