You are not short on ability. You are short on permission.
If you have ever talked yourself out of something you were perfectly capable of doing, waited until you felt ready and watched the moment pass, or looked at other women and assumed they were handed a confidence you were not, this episode is for you. Simone Knego, two time TEDx speaker and USA Today bestselling author of REAL Confidence, joins me to take apart what self doubt actually is and how confidence gets built.
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Why Confident Women Are Not Born That Way
The story we tell is that some women simply have it. Simone’s argument is the opposite. Confidence is built from the inside out, and it is built by acting before you feel ready. Waiting to feel ready is not preparation. It is avoidance wearing a respectable coat.
This is the same pattern that shows up in women’s intimate lives, waiting to feel desire before allowing closeness, waiting to feel good about your body before being seen. If that lands, you may also want the guide to body image healing after 40.
What Is the REAL Method?
Simone’s framework, and the spine of her book:
- Respect yourself
- Embrace your failures
- Ask yourself what you want
- Live without limits
The second one is where most of us stall. We treat failure as evidence about who we are rather than information about what we tried.
What Are We Actually Afraid Of?
Here is the line from this episode that stayed with me. Public speaking ranks above dying on the list of human fears. Dying is second.
So when you ask yourself what is the worst that could happen, the honest answer is usually: it would be uncomfortable, and I would survive it. You might lose some money. It might take longer than you wanted. You are not going to die. We organise entire lives around avoiding a consequence that does not exist.
Kitchen Table Leadership
Simone’s term for the idea that real leadership is modelled in everyday choices, not job titles. How you speak about yourself at your own kitchen table is the leadership your children are actually learning from. They are not listening to what you tell them about self worth. They are watching what you do with yours.
How to Build Confidence After 40
- Do one thing this week before you feel ready for it
- Name the actual worst case out loud, then check whether it is survivable
- Notice how you speak about yourself in front of the people who learn from you
Frequently Asked Questions
Why do I feel like a fraud even though I am good at my job?
Because competence and confidence are separate. Self doubt is not a readout of your ability, it is a habit of interpretation. Capable women feel this constantly.
How do I build confidence when I have failed before?
By changing what failure means. In the REAL Method, embracing failure is a step rather than a setback. The women who look fearless have simply failed more often and survived it.
Should I wait until I feel ready?
No. Readiness follows action rather than preceding it. Waiting to feel ready is the most common way capable women stay stuck.
Does confidence change after 40?
It can deepen. Many women find midlife is when they stop performing confidence and start building the real thing, because the cost of not doing so becomes obvious.
About Simone Knego
Simone Knego is a two time TEDx speaker and USA Today bestselling author of REAL Confidence: A Simple Guide to Go From Unsure to Unshakeable and The Extraordinary UnOrdinary You. She co-hosts the podcast Her Unshakeable Confidence and has been featured on ABC, NBC and CBS, and in Entrepreneur and Yahoo News. Find her at simoneknego.com.
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With a big warm hug,
Tarisha
