A couples therapy intensive is two or three days where you and your partner focus only on your relationship. For some couples it does what months of weekly sessions couldn’t.
This is for you if weekly therapy feels too slow, or if life is so full that an hour a week keeps getting lost.
Why a couples therapy intensive?
In weekly therapy you have about an hour. You warm up, you get to the important part, and then the time is up. A week later you start again.
In a couples therapy intensive you stay with it. You do 12 to 18 hours of therapy in two or three days, just the two of you and me.
That’s the equivalent of about six months of private therapy.
Who a couples therapy intensive is for
- You’ve been drifting for years and you feel more like flatmates than lovers.
- You keep having the same fight and you can’t find your way out of it.
- Sex has become rare, or something you argue about.
- One of you has started to wonder if you should stay.
- You live far away, or you can’t get to weekly sessions.
Do you recognise yourself in any of these?
If you’re asking yourself the bigger question, you might want to read should I stay or leave first.
What happens in the two or three days
In the first part we look at your emotional cycle. This is the pattern where one of you reaches and the other pulls back, and you both end up feeling alone.
You’ll understand what’s been getting in the way between the two of you, and you’ll learn how to step out of it together.
In the second part we look at your sexual cycle. We talk openly about desire, about what each of you needs, and about how to want each other again.
If desire is where you get stuck, this might help: help when one of you wants sex more than the other.
You go home with tools for the next hard moment, and a plan for the weeks after.
How it’s different from weekly therapy
It depends on you. Weekly therapy gives you time to practise between sessions, and that suits many couples.
An intensive is for when you want to go deep without stopping. A lot will change when you spend two or three days focusing only on your relationship.
Some couples do an intensive first and then come to weekly sessions for a while.
What if there’s a lot of resentment?
Then it’s even more important to give it proper time. Resentment builds up over years, and it needs more than an hour to be heard.
I’ve written about this in how to heal bedroom resentment.
What the research says about intensives
A weekend can change a lot. In a 2020 study, 24 couples where one partner had PTSD did a shortened couples therapy over a single weekend, in a small group. Every couple finished it. Three months later the PTSD symptoms were much lower, and the partners reported feeling happier in the relationship.
Two days is enough to feel closer. In a study of a two-day intensive workshop based on emotionally focused therapy, 103 people came with their partners. They improved in closeness, emotional safety, connection, commitment and relationship satisfaction. This was true for couples who were doing well and for couples who were struggling.
More time gives better results. A large analysis of 117 studies of relationship programmes found that the ones with more hours worked better than the short ones. An intensive gives you 12 to 18 hours.
The method itself is proven. I use emotionally focused therapy in a couples therapy intensive. In a 2022 analysis of 20 studies with 332 couples, about 70% were free of their relationship distress by the end of therapy, and the results held up to two years later.
So what does this mean for you? You don’t have to choose between going deep and going fast.
What a day looks like
We meet in the morning and work for a few hours. Then you have a break, a walk and lunch.
In the afternoon we go back in. You’re not sitting and talking the whole time. Some of the work is done through the body, with breath and simple practices you do together.
In the evenings you rest. Many couples tell me the walk on the beach afterwards is when they first feel close again.
What you take home
- A clear picture of your cycle. You both know what starts it and how each of you keeps it going.
- Words for what’s underneath. You can say “I miss you” where you used to say “you never listen”.
- Tools for the next hard moment. You know what to do when an argument starts.
- A plan for the weeks after. Small things to do each day so you don’t slide back.
- A follow-up session online. We check in and work on whatever is still difficult.
What if one of you isn’t sure?
That’s normal. One of you usually finds an intensive first and the other one needs more time.
A couples therapy intensive works when you both choose it. So we talk first, the three of us, and you can both ask me anything.
If it isn’t the right step for you, I’ll tell you, and we’ll look at what would help more.
When an intensive isn’t the right choice
If there’s violence in your relationship, or one of you has already decided to leave, an intensive isn’t the place to start.
The same goes if one of you is being pushed into it. In those cases weekly therapy, or seeing me on your own first, is a better beginning.
How to find out more
My private retreat for two is a couples therapy intensive in Auckland. We start with a free Zoom call to find out what will support the two of you best.
Read about the Private Retreat for Two and apply to talk here.
